Book Discussions
by snake screamer
Summary: Or why Archer slightly regrets writing 'How To Archer'. (This is a sequel to Red witch fic 'Write on Mallory'.) I would like to also thank her for providing me scenes.


"I WENT TO THE DANGER ZONE!" Archer sang along to the song while driving to work. "Ah Kenny Loggin, you may be a crazy bastard who shot me but you make good music Archer said as he parked the car.

Archer was getting out of his car when he heard a voice shout"You sonuvabitch!"

"It's not even morning yet." Archer sighed as he saw Lana marching to him with a pissed off look.

"Okay Lana, first off you really should say h-URRGH!" Archer croaked as Lana grabbed him by the throat. "Why are you angry..." Archer gasped

"I read your best seller." Lana snarled

"Wait your just now reading how to archer..." Archer questioned "That book been out for a good long while."

"That not the point!" Lana snapped "How could you write it."

"Well its alot harder then it looks, woodhouse wanted me to use a old type writer but-" Archer admitted

"Not that ass! why did you portray all of us as jerks!" Lana said

"Well it wasn't hard." Archer said.

* * *

"This is utter slander!" Mallory snapped as she read 'How To Archer.'

"I don't know i think it caught your personality quite well." Cheryl said

"This book portrays me as some female whoremonger with an anger issue and is also control freak!"

"See perfectly." Cheryl said as Mallory glared at her.

"You know it's oddly addicting." Ray said "It's so bad it's actually good. It's actually abit more believable it's a new york time best seller."

"My book would have been far more interesting." Mallory growled. they pause there conversation as they heard sound of shouting and slappimng.

"Ow alright i'm moving! Seriously i'm hoping our daughter doesn't inherit your man hands OW!" Archer said as Lana slapped the back of his head as both enter the office.

"Well if it isn't the slanderer." Mallory growled

"Why are you mad, i caught your personality perfectly." Archer said

"That what i said!" Cheryl said

"Shut up!" Mallory said "And you cough it up."

"Cough what up?" Archer said confused

"The money you got from the book, if your going to write shit about us and keep failing missions for the CIA, then i demand you pay 60 percent of it to keep this place afloat."

"First of all, i hadn't fail all my CIA missions, especially since the recent one with the prisoner exchange went well." Archer said annoyed "And B... I can't."

"Can't what?" Mallory growled

"Can't give you the money, i spend it all." Archer said

"Raise your hand if you didn't saw that one coming." Ray dryly said

"Let me guess. You spend it on prostitutes." Lana said annoyed.

"Not all of it on prostitutes Lana! Only twenty five percent. And another twenty five on decent black and darker shades of black quality turtlenecks and pants. You can't skimp on quality black turtlenecks and pants. They are an essential part of every well dressed man's wardrobe." Archer explained.

"So where did the other fifty percent go?" Lana asked

"Well I'm pretty sure I lost at least fifteen at the blackjack table one weekend. Some other money went to pay for damages to some prostitutes either my lemur or Woodhouse caused. And I know Trinette sucked some of the cash for Wee Baby Seamus as for the rest well...Let's just say my Gator 2 movie script didn't exactly pan out."

"Again that wasn't a real movie producer." Cyril stated

"Well maybe I'm not a Hollywood type movie producer. I prefer to think of myself as an independent." Krieger said abit defensively.

"You gave some of your book money to Krieger!?" Mallory snapped

"Well he does make interesting films." Archer said shrugging.

"He makes cartoon porn and bum fight films!"

"They say the same thing about Quentin Tarantino..." Krieger began to say but was interrupted by Lana who said "Pretty sure they don't."

"Forget Kill Bill...I'm going to Kill Sterling!" Mallory growled.

"What, you can't kill me!" Archer said indignant.

"And why not!" Mallory said

"A) you be depriving the world of a talented individual." Archer said

"Plus his recipe for egg woodhouse is delicious." Pam mentioned.

"You mean you ate that." Mallory said

"Just cause you prefer to be skinny as hell doesn't mean the rest of us have to be." Pam stated.

Mallory growled. "What next your going to tell me sterling was in a cooking show."

"Err..." Archer said

"oh you gotta be, who was it!" Mallory said

"I think his name was alan brown, though it was kinda hard to remember, he threw me into that stove quite hard." Archer admitted "Oh that remind, i still had enough money to renovate my kitchen, and before you ask no i don't have any of the studio money left, i needed it for kitchen repair and hospital bills.

Mallory growl but force her herself to calm down "You said your A, whats your B."

"Well killing me might give Hawley the idea to close us down since you be down a employee and won't be able to fill it."

"Yeah, we fail miserably to get anybody else to work here." Pam stated

"We literally tried bribing them, but as soon as they hear who there about to work with they say they rather get shot in the head." Ray said

"And unless Krieger made a mind control ray..." Lana began to say

"The proper scientific term is mind control beam, Heh, mind control ray, that just silly." Krieger chuckled

"Your stuck with me at the moment." Archer said

"Grr..."

"Oh calm down mother, you're just mad because you didn't get any money from my book."

"Well yes but that's not the worst part! Sterling you do realize that your job is that of a secret agent? As is a spy? Keeping your identity a secret? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT IF YOU BROADCAST YOUR IDENTITY AND LIFE ALL OVER THE WORLD?" Mallory shouted the last part.

"Relax Ms. Archer. His book is featured in the humor section. They don't even believe Archer's a real person." Cheryl said with a role in her eyes.

Archer did a double take "WHAT? And what do you mean in the humor section?"

"Well I guess they don't believe you exist in real life. I mean what real spy would broadcast all his secrets for the world in tell all book?" Cheryl said.

"Not to mention any exploit about us would sound ridiculous to other people." Cyril muttered below his breath.

"But... Julia Child was a spy and she wrote a book."

"Recipes Archer, not her spy exploits." Lana sighed

"Still though..." Archer muttered "So people consider my entire spy advice book a joke?"

"Archer, people consider your entire spy career a joke..." Lana exclaimed dryly.

"Oh ha, ha Lana! That is so funny..."

"And unfortunately extremely accurate..." Mallory said snidely.


End file.
